Commitment Issues

As eluded to in Lars's post, I am now blogging about commitment. In one of the conversations from the infamous road trip, Lars and I realized that our "problem" is that we are too committed. And not in the overly dependent sort of way. Rather, when we decide to be committed to something/someone, we are in it for the long haul. So why is this a problem, you ask? Well, I would say that it's not a problem, but it does have some implications.

One such implication is that decisions are very difficult to make. We know that once we make a decision, there is virtually no going back. Thus, decisions can be agonizing to make (that may be a bit dramatized, but what else is this blog for?). Point in case: I have recently been presented with the choice between two research labs. Both are good choices, but I know that when I make the choice of one over the other, I am essentially locking myself into a specific research topic and dissertation. When I make that decision, I will be fully committed to it. Quitting will not be an option. So I guess I fear that I will at some point become unhappy with my decision, but I will already be committed to it and I will be stuck with it.

How does this relate to dating, you may be thinking (since dating is the theme/topic of this blog). Well... for one, the random casual kind of dating is not so congruent with such a committed personality. Yes, I know that a single date does not commit you to marrying that person. However, to go on a date with someone requires some level of interest; and to be interested in someone requires a decision, at least for me. I am not the type to dwell on crushes. In fact, I have never had trouble in dismissing crushes. I do have trouble, however, in "getting over" my feelings for someone once I have allowed myself to indulge those feelings. As some of you have seen, I may even try to deny my feelings for someone (no matter how obvious they may be) because I know that when I accept the fact that I truly have such feelings, I will have much difficulty in letting them go. I must be honest here and say that it's very possible I'm speaking in generalizations while thinking of a particularity, but it is what it is for now.

So beginning the dating process is a big decision in itself. And if the beginning isn't hard enough, the ending is even worse. When we committed people know that the end must come, we often try to deny and/or avoid it. We try to make it work. We try convincing ourselves that we can change things. We nearly drive ourselves crazy in order to keep the relationship alive. But sometimes it must end - yes, we must "quit". We would much rather have the other person come to this realization on their own and make the break for us; then, all we can do is accept it. But when we are the ones who have to make the break, well we're not so good at it. For instance, I dated a guy in high school for at least a month longer than I should have. I knew for that last month that I needed to break up with him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Sure, there are many possible reasons why it was so hard for me, but I think that at least part of it was that I had made some sort of commitment to the guy and I do not back out of my commitments. There are no take-backs, but that's exactly what I was doing.

Well, this is where my thoughts end for now. I think I've babbled long enough about commitment.