after a long hiatus

two quick posts, haha. i wrote this up in my time at the airport and thought i'd share. not quite about boys, but i enjoy sharing this experience with you all.

and shady, hugh is definitely appropriate for a new nickname. although he doesn't get the benefit of too many more nicknames ;)

i have a few staples in my wardrobe. as a good florida girl, leather flip-flops are a must. rain or shine, the tan (and sometimes black) sandals are the perfect compliment to any outfit…well, at least to me they are. for the record, i find sandals more fitting in rainy weather than close-toed shoes: instead of walking around in wet shoes all day, you can dry off your feet and still look nice without feeling miserable. at a pinch, throw socks in the purse, but only in really cold weather—aka anything below 75 degrees.

two other go-to items include jeans and sweatpants. i’m not talking velour-jumpsuits-so-you-look-casual-and-still-put-together type of sweats, just your classic yoga pants (*note for a future post: mullets and velour jumpsuits: jealous siblings in the family of UNACCEPTABLE THINGS). for comfy evenings, fleece pants are not only acceptable but also welcome. and who doesn’t have their favorite pair of jeans? in my case, i have my favorite all-around jeans, as well as my favorite this-makes-my-butt-and-legs-look-a-lot-better dark jeans. the 90s have come and gone, and so has my stonewashed faded pair of denim, but if the occasion ever called for it, i may.

jeans and sweats are an integral part of my clothing collection, for better or for worse. it’s all about comfort and casual. perhaps I am getting to the age where that last statement is a little juvenile, but I’m banking on the fact that my social awareness will encourage me to shift this mindset before it’s too late. i gave up coolats, scrunchies, skorts, and tube socks a while back—the future looks promising.

today I am once again jet-setting for a few days, and the airport is a breeding ground for social analysis. i’m not so naïve to think that airport behavior is a mirror for daily living, but it certainly magnifies behavioral nuances: the efficiency of the weekly business traveler, the family bickering while returning home post-disneyland vacation and the mid-twenty-something free-spirited gumption setting to backpack europe/australia because “there’s no time like the present” (i am secretly jealous of this last group).

on my way to mcdonalds (because terminal 5 has limited options), i was surprised to finally notice and articulate another airport behavioral nuance: the difference between those who wear sweats and those in jeans. it’s not the difference between “simple folk” and those who regularly shop on rodeo drive. in fact, i’ve seen more dolled-up ladies sporting the yoga pants than those in jeans. instead i think the difference is akin to street smarts versus ivory tower knowledge. there are benefits to both…

(i’d continue that argument, but as a graduate student jealous of life outside said inlaid towers, i can’t come up with anything at the moment)

here’s the point: one must think strategically about wardrobe when flying, and i am a firm believer that comfort and casualness trumps the business attire and jeans. that is, unless you have a meeting immediately upon arrival…or a really hot guy is about to pick you up. seriously, he’s got to be worth it. as my NorCal friends love to say, hella good. then again, you can throw the jeans and makeup in your bag and change before reaching the escalator. so we’re back to “comfort and casual”—my truism when flying.

here’s to you, fellow makeup wearing, casual, sweatpants-donned ladies of the domestic and international airways. you keep it classy, you keep it casual, and you look great, too. you don’t even need to snub our jeans-wearing counterparts…instead, rest knowing your flying experience is exponentially better. God bless each of your ministries, and safe travels.

ps—sandals have proven themselves winners in flight as well. I have yet to get a staph infection from the four barefoot steps through security. who wants to re-lace shoes?
pps—my apologies for pigeonholing all of northern california. it is a beautiful place, full of beautiful people I’m sure, and I’ve only heard kids from fresno particularly drawn to “hella.”

(*caveat: Usher is currently hanging out one gate away from me. he is “casually” dressed in jeans and a gray shirt…and some sweet aviators. he is exempt from any wardrobe rules.)

What is wrong with me???

Why is it that when we girls get emotional we end up asking, "what is wrong with me?" Why does anything have to be wrong with me just because I start crying? Or laughing hysterically? Or throwing pillows in anger? I'm a girl, I have emotions, and they need to get out! What's wrong with that? I say nothing, and think that perhaps it is actually "healthy." Maybe not the extreme versions, or completely uncontrollable. I'm still on the fence about my sudden tears when walking home from Target tonight. Actually, I take it back. I seem to remember a night of ripping apart clothes that were given to me by a certain someone (is his new name Hugh?). The screaming absurdities, yelling profanities, and ripping apart those stupid clothes was one of the healthier moments I remember of my anger; and yes, it was absolutely an outburst. So why do I keep asking myself what the hell is wrong with me?

Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with me. I saw my life in a movie a few nights ago. We watched "Bridget Jones's Diary" in the hopes of mindless entertainment. I was hoping to fall asleep. Instead, the damn thing made me think and it made me want to throw whatever I could at the t.v. As I was watching Daniel schmooze over Bridget, making her feel so sexy and confident, I could have sworn I was watching Eagle Eye (now dubbed Hugh) on screen. There were even certain lines that I'm pretty sure he said to me, and in the same tone and manner and whole nine yards (does anyone know why it's 9 yards instead of some other number?). What really angered me was that in watching him be such a tool, I (and most people) thought "What is she doing with him? Don't be stupid Bridget! He's a jerk and not worth your time! Run away!" That angered me because if Eagle Eye/Hugh is Daniel, then I am Bridget (don't worry, I'm not psychotic; I know that it's a movie and not reality); and if I am Bridget, then I am the one who was stupid and made a fool of. So I am mad at myself for falling for his dumb schmoozing, and I'm mad at him for doing the schmoozing and making a fool of me.

So that's what's wrong with me. A dumb-ass, douchebag/Glen, emotionally retarded, immature, selfish (streaming line of profanities, mainly fucking) jerk of guy made me into a fool. And I hate him. And I love him. And I don't know how or why I can feel both things simultaneously, and I don't know what to do with either let alone both. So I cry and I scream and I laugh. I want to kick his tire until it's flat. I cry on my walk home from Target. I cry when I walk past his apartment building. I cry from the pit of my stomach, so much that it actually hurts me. And I get pissed because two months later it feels worse than it did the night I left him. I've said all I can say and done all I can do, so now I have to wait. I don't even know what I'm waiting for half the time. Some miracle? An answer? Reconciliation, or whatever ambiguous psychological term you want to use? The chance to throw eggs at him? One last time to be with him, and be held by him? Or a day when I finally don't think about him?

That's probably enough insight into my mind for now. I should add a disclaimer though - I realize that all of this sounds uber depressing and probably worrisome, but there is no need to worry. The crazy emotions only come in moments, and I know that I'm actually okay and "simply" making my way through whatever process this is.

the song currently on repeat

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down!
bring me down!
ohh ohhh ohhhh!

So guess what??

I have an interview on Tuesday at 10 in LA!!!!!! AND it's with my number one company!!!!! Check them out!

http://www.ravenandlily.com/

Okay now that the yelling is done. %#&%$&#IIII GeeeEETTT tttOOOO SSSEEEE Youuuu guuuysss SSoon!!%$&$%*

And I heard about "awkward one's " new lady friend. Who is a Baylor student living in LA for a few months working for a non-profit and has blonde hair and about my size..... oh hey twin what's up....

Progress

Today I ate one of the Godiva chocolates bought by "the artist" who "dumped" me. I ate it in the presence of me, myself, and I. 

And it was delicious. No stomach turning this time. 

Progress. 

speaking words of wisdom...

...a friend's facebook status (below). it struck a chord. not sure which one...i'll process soon.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

let it be.