Do It To Me, Sheldon

Came across another interesting article tonight. Justin Fung posted it on his fb page, so the credit goes to him. I think I need to read it one more time before I can comment, but I open the floor to you...

Shady's Redemption

I have recently acquired the newest chapter of my book, entitled Shady's Redemption. There might actually be two chapters in the process, or I might combine them into one; either way the themes center around redemption (finally!) and freedom. So here is a little preview:

Honesty, schmonesty. Honesty is one of those buzz words we hear flying around today, with constant encouragements to be honest with one another. Honesty seems to be the key to healthy life and relationships, as if there were a simple key to fixing all relational problems. "Just tell him/her/them how you feel"... right? But it's not that simple. You see, in order to be honest with another, we must first be honest with ourself. And that is possibly the hardest task of all.

Being honest with oneself requires letting go of all the defenses we've developed in order to save us from painful realities. It requires facing our own brokenness and failure. It requires accepting the fact that we cannot "have our cake and eat it too," as a fellow blogger likes to say. However, refusing to admit and accept such realities and disappointments only impedes the possibility of healthy and fulfilling relationships. Our needs cannot be met if we cannot be honest about what those needs are. And as much as we (I am hoping that this generalizes beyond me) like to believe that we do not have needs, that simply is not true. We have no chance of real happiness until we are willing to admit such things, and thus be honest with ourselves.

As I said above, we cannot be honest with another until we are honest with ourself. Without such honesty, we only become frustrated in our relationships. I often hear girls say (and have said myself), "He just doesn't get me." Perhaps he doesn't, but have you (or I) given him a fair chance to? Maybe he's really trying to understand you, but until you can face the truth of who you are and show him that, he will never be able to understand you. The same is true for him as well; honesty is definitely not a one-sided thing.

Honesty is not easy, and I hope I have not given such an impression. It is absolutely one of the most difficult things in life. No one wants to face disappointments and limitations; but that is our reality. Being honest is also incredibly scary. It requires vulnerability of oneself, and trust in the other. Sometimes that trust is sustained, and other times it is broken; but even in the brokenness we find the honesty of the relationship (i.e. that the other could not be trusted in such a way) and then have the chance for healing.

I have fought honesty for so long. I did not want to face my weakness, or admit that I had fallen... in love. And I do mean fallen, in the sense that it was something I did not want to happen, and it showed how weak I was - I could not even control my emotions enough to stay out of love. So I thought I could get out of the relationship any time I wanted, because I didn't love him. Or maybe I couldn't face the fact that I truly wanted love, but that it was not found in this relationship and I continued to stay in the relationship. Or maybe I couldn't face the reality that I was being disrespected, that he didn't or couldn't care about me the way I wanted and needed. The disappointment was too much. So I tried to change myself, and I tried to change him. But nothing worked and things always went back to the same hurtful, disrespectful, unhealthy cycle. You see, the problem was that neither of us could be honest about how we really felt, and therefore could not be honest with each other.

This weekend I was finally honest - first with myself, then with him. I was honest with myself about feeling disappointed, disrespected, and wanting more. Then I went to him, and had one of the most honest and vulnerable conversations of my life. I'll sum it up in three points: 1. I told him that I love him. 2. He told me that he loves me. 3. He said, and I knew, that I am not what he wants. He has a very specific idea of the girl he wants to be with, and I do not match that picture. It was hard, it hurts, and I am sad; but I also have the peace of knowing that we were both honest. Maybe I didn't get what I wanted in him, but now I have the chance to get it from someone else. I might not believe in fairy-tales still (or yet, who knows), but I do have the hope again of finding love. You see, I have freed myself - actually, let's be honest: I don't really have the power to be honest like I was, that was all God. So I have rather been freed to believe that there is something more and better out there. Sure, I'm still jaded. But even a jadedness as deep and strong as mine can be redeemed, if only I will open myself to the honesty of who I am and what I want.

i'm an expert...

...at becoming great friends with guys.

How soon is too soon?

I have been thinking about this post for a little while now. But a question I have is "How soon can one date someone else after being dumped?" We all know my situation from 2 months ago. I dated for three months.

"The Situation" --not referring to that reality star from Jersey Shore--

In my case I want to be classy about things. It all depends on if you are the dumper or dumpie in most cases. What do you think? Does the Dumpie have a right to date first when the reason for the dumping is that of 'he just isn't that into you'? and if so why does the dumpie have that right? Or is it that the girl is always right? Because if any of us dumps a guy its for good reasons usually. Either the guy is a jerk for breaking up with you or he is a jerk and that's why you break up with him.

What I am asking is what do I do in my case? A friend from LA has been taking the initiative for me to think of him as more than a friend. But my problem is that I dated someone two months ago and think that it is socially unacceptable to like someone that soon. I mean he has worked really hard for my attention and I'm nervous that I could be possibly missing out on a great guy do to this situation. But at the same time I do not want to hurt the guy who dumped me by dating someone, much less even liking someone so soon!

Ladies of the BBB help!!

oh hey

I am going to be in LA the 28th-the 1st get pumped.

Calling Creators of the "25 Theory"

I think that one of you two needs to post said theory. I want to comment on it.

Well then...

...

Date. This Friday. I'm going on a date...with Ben Swisher. 

Just kidding. But seriously, date. Friday. 

Pounces...

I had a record high of TWO pounces this week. Yes girls...CrAzY!!! I was not the pouncer but the pouncie. I never saw it coming... I think the New Years attitude of living up your life and sappy lifetime holiday movies have gotten the best of everyone (at least boys in the central time zone). Let me explain and your thoughts are needed...

First pounce. Happened over a text message "hey i don't know if its because I'm tired or because I have liquor in me but I have feelings for you.." Sounds like a keeper no? Then later he admitted that he lied and said that he mentioned the liquor part because if I responded poorly then he could have that as an excuse?? Makes tons of sense right. Main point I didn't respond other than we will talk later but is it bad that I have no intention of talking with him later? I hope it is just a phase and it will pass. Nicole this is my guy friend who was dating the duck. So he is emotionally confused right now.

Second pounce. Just happened a few days ago. My family friend came in through Waco on his way to school up in the north west. We went to lunch and he offered to pay for my meal. This is no big deal because he is the typical southern gentleman and does this with basically any girl. So I am enjoying my burger and he proceeds to tell me his wild new years eve stories of him and his friends playing scrabble in his parents living room. Then as I take a big bite of the greasiest burger imaginable he tells me he likes me. And has for a while..... I almost choke. This one came out of the blue even more so than the first. I said a simple..."Thank you" while mouth is full of freshly slaughtered cow.

Sad thing is I see these to gentlemen as nothing more than good friends.

Reflections from 2009

I'm currently reading Don Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It's a wonderful look into his own life and what it means to live a life worthy of a great story. I'll save the overview and critique for another time, but I will share an excerpt of a difficult breakup Miller experienced.

We were both passionate and strong-willed people, and this became our undoing. I won't go into details, because they are the same as a million other romantic disasters. Essentially, though, it felt like the Tower of Babel had been planted between us, because for no lack of effort, once we started arguing, we could no longer communicate our basic needs. Each failed attempt to talk things out became a wall between us, skin thick, so every conversation had the resonance of talking to yourself (190-191).

He says a little bit later concerning getting well over the suffering:

I didn't want to get well, because if I got well, nobody would come and save me anymore. And I didn't want to get well, because while I could not control my happiness, I could control my misery, and I would rather have had control than live in the tension of what if. A chance of hope is no pacifier against a sure tragedy (198).

The book is HARDLY about relationships and breakups and the politics of the playground, but I nonetheless connected in a strange way with the excerpt. I connected with it, because it seemed as if Don Miller reached into my heart and stole those words from me. ;) But the story did not elicit a public breakdown. Call me crazy, but I think a half-smile crept up on my face, as if to say "ha...that sounds vaguely familiar. Have I read this before?"

In short, I guess all I want to say is that time is a funny thing. Perhaps it's time to embrace my struggles/insecurities/shortcomings as part of a larger story. Perhaps this year I will trust God to, as Miller says, "guide me through a better story" (91).

PS, I think it is a WONDERFUL book, and very fitting to read at the start of 2010, a year full of new challenges and adventures.

PPS, hope I'm not too much of a downer today; this is the first time (since August) I've come across something (including my own disjointed thoughts, ha) that adequately expresses what happened. Then again, hindsight is 20/20...
(: