What is wrong with me???

Why is it that when we girls get emotional we end up asking, "what is wrong with me?" Why does anything have to be wrong with me just because I start crying? Or laughing hysterically? Or throwing pillows in anger? I'm a girl, I have emotions, and they need to get out! What's wrong with that? I say nothing, and think that perhaps it is actually "healthy." Maybe not the extreme versions, or completely uncontrollable. I'm still on the fence about my sudden tears when walking home from Target tonight. Actually, I take it back. I seem to remember a night of ripping apart clothes that were given to me by a certain someone (is his new name Hugh?). The screaming absurdities, yelling profanities, and ripping apart those stupid clothes was one of the healthier moments I remember of my anger; and yes, it was absolutely an outburst. So why do I keep asking myself what the hell is wrong with me?

Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with me. I saw my life in a movie a few nights ago. We watched "Bridget Jones's Diary" in the hopes of mindless entertainment. I was hoping to fall asleep. Instead, the damn thing made me think and it made me want to throw whatever I could at the t.v. As I was watching Daniel schmooze over Bridget, making her feel so sexy and confident, I could have sworn I was watching Eagle Eye (now dubbed Hugh) on screen. There were even certain lines that I'm pretty sure he said to me, and in the same tone and manner and whole nine yards (does anyone know why it's 9 yards instead of some other number?). What really angered me was that in watching him be such a tool, I (and most people) thought "What is she doing with him? Don't be stupid Bridget! He's a jerk and not worth your time! Run away!" That angered me because if Eagle Eye/Hugh is Daniel, then I am Bridget (don't worry, I'm not psychotic; I know that it's a movie and not reality); and if I am Bridget, then I am the one who was stupid and made a fool of. So I am mad at myself for falling for his dumb schmoozing, and I'm mad at him for doing the schmoozing and making a fool of me.

So that's what's wrong with me. A dumb-ass, douchebag/Glen, emotionally retarded, immature, selfish (streaming line of profanities, mainly fucking) jerk of guy made me into a fool. And I hate him. And I love him. And I don't know how or why I can feel both things simultaneously, and I don't know what to do with either let alone both. So I cry and I scream and I laugh. I want to kick his tire until it's flat. I cry on my walk home from Target. I cry when I walk past his apartment building. I cry from the pit of my stomach, so much that it actually hurts me. And I get pissed because two months later it feels worse than it did the night I left him. I've said all I can say and done all I can do, so now I have to wait. I don't even know what I'm waiting for half the time. Some miracle? An answer? Reconciliation, or whatever ambiguous psychological term you want to use? The chance to throw eggs at him? One last time to be with him, and be held by him? Or a day when I finally don't think about him?

That's probably enough insight into my mind for now. I should add a disclaimer though - I realize that all of this sounds uber depressing and probably worrisome, but there is no need to worry. The crazy emotions only come in moments, and I know that I'm actually okay and "simply" making my way through whatever process this is.